Stop Going to the Hardware Store Expecting to Buy Milk.

Imagine going to a hardware store and repeatedly feeling let down because they don’t sell milk. This scenario sheds light on how having unrealistic expectations can cause frustration and even bitterness. Likewise, in relationships we often have certain needs or desires but fail to consider if the other person is capable or willing to meet our needs. Consequently, we end up feeling let down when our unspoken desires or expectations are unmet.

Let’s look at some examples of common unmet expectations:

We all construct stories in our heads about expectations we have of one another, yet the specifics of the needs are rarely ever talked about. This makes it hard for someone to live up to your expectations when they don’t even know what they are.

• Going to a family gathering expecting everyone to get along. 
• Expecting a family member to drop everything when you ask for help.
• Wanting someone to have a specific reaction when you share something with them.
• Expecting a loved one to understand your feelings without communicating them.
• Communicating what you need and expecting people will comply.

If you have ever been to an Al-Anon meeting you might have heard the phrase:

“Unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments” 

They set the stage for disappointment and dissatisfaction in our relationships. Thinking that something will happen just because we hope it will without taking action, is magical thinking. It’s not realistic. When we imagine someone is withholding from us, we may feel resentment.

Six Ways to Manage Expectations

1. Communicate clearly

To get your point across effectively, it’s important to be clear and specific about what you need. Don’t just assume that someone who knows you well will automatically know what you need. Take the time to spell it out. For instance, instead of saying, “I need you to be more present,” explain exactly what that looks like to you. Maybe it means putting away phones during dinner or spending more time talking without distractions. By being specific, you reduce misunderstandings and make it more likely that your needs will be met.

2. Consider who you are interacting with

When you’re managing expectations, it’s important to think about the person you’re dealing with. Look at their past behavior. If they’ve been consistent, you can generally expect the same going forward. But if they’ve been all over the place, it’s smart to stay flexible and be ready for a similar pattern to repeat. Also, keep in mind that stress or big life changes can affect how well others can meet our needs. Knowing this helps us set more realistic expectations.

And remember, not everyone has the skills or resources to give you exactly what you need. It’s often unrealistic to expect one person to meet all your social and emotional needs. Sometimes it’s better to rely on different people who are better suited for certain things.

3. Just because we ask, doesn’t mean we will get what we want

Asking for what we need is crucial, but it doesn’t mean we’ll always get it. For instance, you might ask your partner for more quality time, but their busy work schedule or personal commitments might make it hard for them to meet that request right away.

Being clear about what you need makes it more likely others will understand and respond, but it’s important to stay realistic and ready for different outcomes. Knowing that not all requests will be met helps you keep a balanced perspective, reducing disappointment and building resilience. This also improves communication and problem-solving.

And remember, it’s up to us to soothe ourselves and not depend solely on others to make us feel better.

4. It’s not all about me

Managing expectations means realizing that “It’s not all about me.” This means recognizing and accepting that other people have their own valid perspectives, needs, and experiences. It’s easy to get lost in our own world and forget about those around us.

We need to practice empathy, stay open to different viewpoints, and understand that the world doesn’t revolve around just our needs and beliefs. 

By adopting this mindset, we can better achieve what we need because we approach situations without rigid expectations. This opens a dialogue that allows for flexible negotiations, benefiting everyone involved. Achieving this balance requires emotional maturity and helps us appreciate and respect the needs of others as well as our own.

5. Change your inner dialogue

Keeping a positive internal dialogue is key to dealing with disappointment when others don’t meet our expectations. Instead of falling into negativity or self-doubt, a constructive inner dialogue helps us handle these situations with resilience and self-care.

For example, if your partner forgets an important date, instead of feeling unappreciated, remind yourself, “People make mistakes and forget things. It doesn’t mean my partner doesn’t care about me. I can communicate my feelings and find a way to celebrate together.”

If you share your feelings and your partner doesn’t respond as you hoped, tell yourself, “I was honest and true to my feelings, which is important. I can give my partner some time and space to process, and we can talk about it later. If reframing is hard, think about what supportive words you would offer to a friend in your situation.

A positive inner dialogue means being kind and compassionate to yourself, reframing situations constructively, and focusing on what you can control rather than what you can’t. This approach helps us bounce back from disappointments with more strength and resilience.

6. Practice gratitude

Managing expectations and using gratitude to shift frustration when someone doesn’t meet our needs is all about changing how we look at things. Instead of fixating on what we don’t have or what the other person isn’t doing, we can focus on what they do offer and the good parts of our relationship.

Often, we get so caught up in our disappointment that it overshadows all the positive things about the person we’re frustrated with. By practicing gratitude, we can acknowledge and appreciate their efforts, even if they don’t fully meet our expectations. This change in perspective helps us approach the situation with more understanding and appreciation, challenging our negative thoughts and leading to more positive emotions.

Part of taking care of ourselves is managing our expectations and taking responsibility for how we choose to respond to that which we cannot control.

Fondly,